Thoughts of a Paranoid Traveler

Adventure always seems like a good idea, until you actually have to try and get to where you're going.

I think about traveling constantly. In fact, my heart aches and my mind is overwhelmed with boredom when I am in the same place for long. I love the idea of traveling, discovering new places, falling in love with everything around me, meeting new people, and having stories to last a lifetime. I've done my fair share of traveling already in my life, and I'm always excited to continue my adventures... until the morning of my departure.

If you're anything like me, the morning I start a vacation I always wake up with my stomach in knots. I shower faster than ever, I cut myself shaving, my makeup looks like I let my 4 year old cousin do it, and I like like a frigid mess. I run around my house for a solid 45 minutes nearly in tears sure that I forgot a crucial toiletry or only brought one shoe. Any guests that may be joining me immediately start popping their anxiety medication and brace themselves for the long journey with this spastic companion. I finally then get myself together and adopt the "screw it" mindset. So what if I forgot something? Wherever we are going is sure to have a CVS. Lets go!

This is when the emotional roller coaster begins.

Up until I leave the house to begin my trip, it's practically all stress and anxiety. Then my emotions start to resemble a crash in grand theft auto. First, you're flying through the air and you're exhilarating riding out the rush of the speed, then you're bouncing all over the place and have no idea what's going to happen. Finally, the storm stops and you're either in shambles and land right side up and continue chasing whomever is your target.

Now this particular stream of thoughts is geared toward my paranoia of flight, but it can easily be tweaked into boating, trains, or whatever your choice of travel may be.

Stage 1: Riding the rush

  • Oh my gosh, this is going to be the best trip ever
  • I can't believe I'm actually going
  • I can't believe I get to go with (blank) gosh we are going to take the best pictures everyone is going to be so jealous
  • I wonder if I'll meet anyone famous in the airport
  • Or maybe I'll fall in love with the guy seated next to me
  • Wow, I should start a journal in case anything cool ever happens to me it could be a best seller
  • Maybe I could be on a bus like Carrie Bradshaw
  • That would be so cool I love her tulle skirt
  • Where is my connection again?
  • Crap what if it's cold, I probably should've worn thicker leggings
  • I love leggings
  • I wonder if I should've gotten a spray tan
  • Thank god for filters
  • Speaking of filters I need to watch what I say I don't want to get in trouble in the airport like in Bridesmaids I'll be the pariah of the group
  • Oh crap, TSA

Stage 2: The pin balling and crashing of emotions

  • I REALLY hope I put all of my liquids in a clear bag
  • What if they ask to screen me just because I brought a bottle of shampoo
  • CRAP, is my flask still in my purse?
  • Wait, don’t you get arrested for bringing a fake ID on vacation? I really hope that my ID from freshman year isn’t lodged in my wallet somewhere
  • Now that’s just stupid of course I didn’t bring it
  • Oh god there’s so many people in line at security
  • Now I have to take off my boots
  • Jesus, why did I wear lace up boots this is going to be forever
  • Now everyone is staring, superb
  • Okay, I’m at my gate
  • Boarding has already started, what the heck I thought we were early
  • Oh well I got a window seat this is dope I will sleep the whole time
  • NOPE, turbulence
  • LOL remember how drunk Annie was in Bridesmaids, I wonder if air marshall John is on this plane
  • Duh he’s fake
  • WHOA that was a big drop I’m surprised those oxygen masks didn’t deploy
  • And we are dipping again
  • Are we just going down?
  • The plane feels so uneven I think the pilot had a heart attack
  • Oh god I’m going to get stranded on an island
  • I’m almost sure I’ll starve before I teach myself wilderness skills
  • I knew I should’ve been a girl scout
  • What happens if the engine just stops spinning? I really don’t get how we just float in the air like this
  • I wish I paid more attention in physics and stuff. Are we defying gravity or what?
  • YES. Pilot says only 20 minutes until we land. That flew by.
  • See what I did there? Gosh I’m funny.
  • Hey I can see (destination)!
  • This is going to be so much fun

Stage 3: The aftermath of the storm

  • Why was I so worried? That flight was nothing!
  • Wait why and I’m so exhausted I haven’t done anything
  • Why am I so tired we just got here? I need to wake myself up
  • I wonder why I feel so sad all of the sudden
  • Maybe I should take a nap before we head out on the town tonight
  • No, everyone will make fun of me if I try and get some sleep
  • Red Bull it is
  • It’s time to play, I’m so excited, this is going to be so much fun! 


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